From Regret to Pride: My Sober Curious Journey

This transcript is lightly edited for readability.

I am Edie Feffer, and welcome to Anchored — a show for women who are committed to living a life where everything they do and are begins with self-trust. They're unshakable in their truth, rooted in their emotional well-being, and steady in their commitment to self-love and body love. That is what it means to be anchored. Our conversations dive deep into all aspects of health and wellness, from food freedom and spirituality to routines and relationships. This is where you come to stay grounded.

I am pumped to do today's episode. It feels like it's been a long time in the making. This is a topic that I've wanted to open up about more for a while now. I've shared a little bit about my relationship with alcohol on social media, and I am happy to have a platform now where we can have a deeper, more meaningful conversation about it.

In today's episode, I want to share the four reasons why I've stopped drinking, and how profoundly this decision has benefited my life. It's helped me like myself more. It's helped me feel more anchored in self-trust. And I also want to talk about some of the adjustments that I made when I was on my weight loss journey — because I drank during my weight loss journey, so I'll share three shifts that I made to support my 30-pound weight loss.

What's so interesting to me about the timing of this is that I happen to be recording this episode on February 29th, as I am celebrating my two-year anniversary of being alcohol-free. And this morning as I was journaling, I had a ping, or a download, come through to do the same thing that I did with alcohol, but with coffee — to go caffeine-free. That's something that has been on my mind for a long time now, and I've slowly started to scale back my consumption of coffee. Starting March 1st, I am going to pause caffeine and see how that feels, with a very similar approach to the one that I took with alcohol, which we can get into now.

Before I do, I'll say: I know alcohol can be a personal topic. Sometimes it's a sensitive topic. Everyone has a different relationship with it. My intent with this episode is not to encourage you not to drink, but rather to encourage you to stay true to yourself, to listen to and act on the messages that your body is sending you. And when you hear this part of my story, you'll see that it took me years to do that. It took patience with myself, and practice.

The other thing I want to say is just a reminder that I'm never judging you, or what your relationship with food or alcohol looks like. If you're a client of mine, you know this — it's something that I've said to you before: this is a judgment-free zone.

So, like I said, I stopped drinking in February of 2022. It had been something that I had wanted to do for years. I had been thinking about not drinking since my early twenties. I remember being in my twenties and literally Googling celebrities who don't drink, to try to find inspiration. I would look at these celebrities who I respected or admired and think, "Hey, if they're doing it, I can too." These people are at social events all of the time, and they're staying true to themselves, doing what they want to do by not drinking. So this had been on my heart, on my mind, for years.

I'll share the four reasons that compelled me to change my relationship with alcohol. The ugly truth about my relationship with alcohol is this — and I don't think it's an ugly truth. I think it's a beautiful truth that I can just be honest about it and take action to change it.

Reason oneI did not like who I was becoming with it

I did not like who I was becoming with it. It was not making me a better person. I had had enough moments in my life where I didn't like the way I was carrying myself when I drank. I wasn't proud of some of my choices when I drank. I remember certain instances where I'd wake up with regret for something that I had said the night before. That is reason number one why I stopped. I wasn't being who I wanted to be with it. I wasn't treating myself kindly, and I wasn't treating my body with the respect that it deserved.

Reason twoAlcoholism is in my family

I had a family member who struggled with alcohol throughout my childhood. Knowing that alcoholism is in my family is another reason that really made me pause to re-evaluate my relationship with it.

For so many years, this felt like it was going to be such a hard thing to change. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because it felt like it was just this social norm — where if I all of a sudden started to say "no thank you" to alcohol when I was at a birthday party, or out with girlfriends, or on a date, or at a work event, I was nervous about how to navigate that new situation. I felt nervous because I felt like I was going to stand out. If I'm the only one there who all of a sudden is saying no, that brought up discomfort. And I think that's a normal part of a transformation. Anytime we change, anytime we're doing something new, it's normal for there to be a degree of discomfort. It took me a while to be willing to face it.

Now, in my circle, it's just a given, and no one cares or questions why I'm not drinking. My family knows I'm not drinking. My friends know I'm not drinking. The people who I've dated know that I don't care to drink. And that feels so freeing — to be staying true to myself in this way.

Reason threeI have a history with anxiety and depression

Alcohol was the last thing that my body needed. I was contributing to my anxiety anytime I drank, whether it was one drink or four drinks over the course of a night. It made me overanalyze even more. And if you know me, that's what I do — I will look at a situation or a topic from every single angle. I will replay it. If I drank, if I had one glass of wine, I would still come home and critique everything I had said at that event.

I am a very private person with my personal life, and I'm sharing openly here on my podcast, and to a certain degree on social media, always through a lens of health — which feels so good. But when I would drink, I would come home and just ask myself: did I overshare? Did I say as much as I did because I was buzzed? And I'm doing bunny ears as I say "buzzed," because even if I wasn't buzzed, I would still worry that I was, worry if I said the wrong thing. It just added to the anxiety. Which is so interesting, because when we think about it, we think alcohol is going to be this thing that helps us relax. For me, it had the opposite effect. Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse.

Reason fourI wanted to learn how to feel confident just being me

Just being myself. I used alcohol to change my mental state. I used it to give me a boost of confidence in social settings. I'm a quiet person, and for a while I felt bad about that — I thought something was wrong with me, because I don't hang out in groups. I'm usually more of a one-on-one person. And when I was in a social setting, liquid courage would help me contribute more to a conversation.

It was something that I would use to elevate an experience. If I got good news, I wanted to celebrate and make it even a little better with a drink. The flip side of that is true as well. How often do you hear someone say, "Oh my gosh, today was so stressful, let's grab a drink," or, "This was an exhausting day, let's have a drink"? I like that now I have found other ways to celebrate, or to de-stress. If I have a stressful day, my first thought is not that I need a drink — it's that I need to either go for a run or sit in a bubble bath.

So these are the four reasons that really compelled me to put a pause on alcohol back in February of 2022.

I like that every single one of my transformations over the past nine years, since I embarked on my food freedom and weight loss journey, has been a slow process. The same thing is true with the way I changed my relationship with alcohol. I wasn't extreme. I wasn't all or nothing. And when I share what my health history looks like, you'll see how it unfolded in a very doable way — one where I kind of treated it, at various stages, like an experiment.

There are two milestones that stand out to me as turning points in my relationship with alcohol. One is back in 2019. That's when I ran my first ultramarathon, and as I was training, I scaled way back on my alcohol consumption. I did not want even just one drink in my system the night before a long run, which was every Saturday. During the work week I was also running, and I wasn't someone who drank often during the work week, but if I was at an event or some type of social setting, it was so easy during this training period for me to practice saying "no thank you" to alcohol — because I was so comfortable and proud of my reason as to why I was starting to change. I would just say, "No thank you, I'm training right now. No thank you, I'm running, and I don't want it."

This is such a special period to me, because I love who this race helped me become. I was taking care of myself to the highest degree. My sleep was on point, my nutrition was dialed, and I was barely drinking, because I was so focused on feeling good for my runs.

As a side note, going back to what I said about practicing saying "no thank you" and having an easy reason to explain why I'm a no: I don't think you ever owe anyone an explanation for your food choices or your drink choices. I think you can simply say "no thank you" without having to justify why. But I know that this is a much bigger topic, especially when it comes to being a guest in someone's home, or not wanting to offend someone when you're offered a holiday treat that they made. I actually have a few reels on this topic on my Instagram — how to be polite but also stay true to yourself, and to nourish your body in a way that feels good to you. That could be a topic for another episode.

Getting back to my health history: after that race, over the next couple of years, I could count on two hands the number of times that I had a drink each year. It wasn't a lot. But even though it wasn't a lot, I still had this off feeling inside of me, and it was because I knew I did not want to be drinking, but I still was abandoning myself. I still was not doing the thing that I wanted to do, which was not drink, at a handful of events throughout the year. And that was because I still felt a little bit of discomfort. Sometimes I didn't want to be asked why I wasn't drinking. So I would stand at the event and hold a glass of wine but not drink it, or just take a couple of sips. All of this was a journey to learn how to stay true to myself as it relates to my desires with alcohol.

In 2022, I was in Mexico City with my boyfriend at the time, and we had mapped out all these restaurants that we wanted to go to while we were there. It was basically like a food tour. It was delicious and amazing. We were at this special restaurant, and I remember him saying, "You can have a drink, you can order a drink." He knew I didn't drink very much, and he supported that. I was all dressed up, and I thought, okay, it's a special occasion, I'll order my favorite drink, which is a dirty martini.

I remember going back to our hotel and feeling disappointed in myself. Nothing had gone wrong. Nothing bad happened. I just felt disappointed that I caved and went against myself. And that was the last drink that I had. I was done putting myself through this. I was done creating these circumstances for myself where I wasn't doing what I wanted to.

When I paused my drinking in 2022, it wasn't me drawing this hard line in the sand saying I'm never having a drink again. For the first year, if someone asked me if I wanted a drink, I wouldn't say, "I don't drink." I would just say, "I'm not drinking right now." And that was another way where I got comfortable saying no thank you. Now I'm at a point where I really don't care how I say it. If I say I'm not drinking right now, or I don't drink — I'm just happy with the way I'm treating my body, in terms of honoring the messages that it had been sending me.

That's a nice segue to share some of the positive changes that I've experienced, because they've been so profound. My life has changed in ways that I never could have expected, as a result of this one decision. And then I'll talk about weight loss and alcohol, and I'll share the three things that I did to support my 30-pound release and still drink.

In terms of positive changes: I am more anchored in self-trust. I like myself more. I have become confident in social settings. I can go to weddings single, not drink, and still dance. If you follow me on social media, you know that I went to Coachella in 2023 — I think that was last year — and that was such a special event to go to, to not drink, have the time of my life, dance my heart out. That was such a fun milestone to celebrate.

I can date without it. On that note, I'll share one story that is significant to me, because it really helped me feel confident to date and not drink. I was on dating apps prior to being in my last long-term relationship, and on the app, with the question that asks if you drink or not, I didn't indicate that I don't drink — because again, at that time I had just paused. I guess you could say I was sober curious. I showed up to the date, which was at a bar. I still like getting dressed up and going out. I enjoy sitting at a bar. I enjoy people watching. I still like being in these fun environments — this is another reason why, at that time, I didn't put that I don't drink in my profile.

I showed up to the date with this man, and he asked what I wanted. I ordered water with lemon, and he ordered a beer, and we had the best conversation. He joked and asked if I wanted another round, and I said yes. We ended up dating for a while, which was nice. But the thing that was so special to me, aside from the fact that I enjoyed myself on a date, was that I stayed true to myself. That was the very first time where I did the thing I had been wanting to do on a date. I came home with such pep in my step, feeling so freaking good about myself.

That is the feeling that we're after — on a food freedom journey, on a weight loss journey, on a health journey. There's so much more to it than just a number on a scale, or any of the strategy with food that I teach. This emotional side of it, this confidence and this self-trust, is one of my favorite parts of a health journey.

Other benefits that I've noticed are that I feel so much more calm and grounded. I have so much more clarity. I am less anxious. I'm not waking up with regret. I'm overanalyzing less. I'm way more productive. I sleep better. And as you already know, most importantly, it's strengthened my relationship with myself, because I'm listening to and acting on my intuition. I'm on the same team as my body with regard to alcohol. I'm receiving the message that it's sending me, and I'm taking action.

The relationship that you have with yourself is the most important one that you have. So when I look back on the years where, yeah, maybe I only had a few drinks — and you could say that's not a big deal — to me it was a big deal, because I knew what I wanted to be doing. This is why I always say it's so important to not outsource your own body's inner wisdom. Only you know what you want to be doing, how you want to be treating yourself. And like I said in my last episode, one of the fastest ways to rebuild trust with yourself is to keep the small promise to yourself. I'll talk about ways that we can do that when we get to the weight loss portion of this episode, which we can segue to now.

My weight loss and food freedom journey started in July of 2015. I shared that 2019, when I was training for my ultramarathon, was one turning point for my relationship with alcohol. July of 2015, when I started my weight loss journey and food freedom journey, is the other. I gave myself guardrails with alcohol to allow myself to still enjoy it, but to also consume it in a way that would still support a release. So I'll share those three strategies with you now.

Strategy oneI changed the way I viewed alcohol

The first thing that I did was I changed the way I viewed alcohol. I started to think about it as a treat, or like a dessert. This was a shift for me, because for so long it was something that I would order just because — just because it seemed appropriate to do so. If you're at a work event and everybody's being social, have the glass of wine too, right? I was drinking because of the social setting that I was in.

The shift that happened when I started to view alcohol as a treat is that it helped me learn how to check in with my body before consuming the alcohol, to ask myself: is this what I really want right now? Am I going to be present with it, sip it and enjoy it, really treat it like a joy food? Or am I not being present with it — is it more like a mindless eating situation, or fog eating?

I'll pause here. I've mentioned this in a prior episode: when we coach together, one of the things that I teach on is the four different types of eating. I always want to give credit to someone who has helped me on my food freedom journey, or who has influenced the way I teach or coach. And while I've heard other people in health and wellness talk about the concept of the four different types of eating, I do want to give credit to Brooke Castillo, because I like the way she broke this down in one of her books that I read.

So, the four types of eating:

• Fuel eating — eating to nourish your body. It's the eating that we do to boost your immune system, to help you feel and function at your best.
• Joy eating — eating for pure and simple joy. It doesn't have to be especially beneficial for the body. It could be something like a cupcake, or pizza — and alcohol falls into the category of joy eating. The key with joy eating is that we want to put our fork down, or put our drink down, when we're no longer enjoying it, when we're not actually tasting it and being present with it.
• Fog eating, or mindless eating — the eating that you do when you're in the movie theater and your hand suddenly hits the bottom of the popcorn bowl and you don't know where all the popcorn went.
• Storm eating, or emotional eating — this can be binge eating, stress eating. There are several different categories of eating that can fall into storm eating or emotional eating.

Again, the way that I started to view alcohol was through the lens of a joy food. As I did this, I liked it, because I wasn't restricting. I didn't feel deprived. I didn't feel like I couldn't have alcohol as I worked toward my weight loss goal. But it did teach me how to be more intentional and more mindful with my consumption.

So that's step one: learning how to shift your mindset to think of it as a treat. I always say step one to food freedom and lasting weight loss is to cultivate awareness — to learn how to become a gentle, nonjudgmental observer of your thoughts, feelings, and habits. You can start to do this with alcohol now. You can start to get into observation mode with it, and just get curious about your habits, or your relationship with it. Are you opening up a bottle of wine with dinner just out of habit? Or are you enjoying a glass of wine because it's meaningful to you? You can start to ask yourself: does my body actually want this right now? Do I genuinely want this cocktail right now?

One concept that I teach in coaching is that the growth is in the gaps. The power is in the pause. It's in these micro-moments that go by so quick, where you pause just enough to check in with yourself before you make a food choice or before you make a drink choice. This is why I say slowing down to learn how to do this kind of work is what will speed up your results.

Strategy twoI adjusted how much I was drinking

The second thing that I did was I adjusted how much I was drinking. Because I started to think about alcohol as a treat, or like a dessert, I put some bumpers up around it. I decided to drink no more than three times per week. That's often what I recommend to my clients who are wanting to lose weight — three drinks per week or less.

With that, it's so important, I think, to remind you that I never recommend being drastic or extreme. If you're someone who has a history of yo-yo dieting, or past attempts with weight loss that haven't worked, you likely know that that approach doesn't work. Being extreme sets us up for failure. I'd rather see you look at how much you're consuming right now, and then scale back slowly. As an example, let's just say you are drinking seven drinks per week — you're having one glass of wine at dinner every night. Then maybe you set a goal to scale back to five this week, and then scale back to four, and then eventually to three per week.

Strategy threeI started to pre-log it

The third change that I made with alcohol to support my weight loss was that I started to pre-log it. When I was working toward a weight loss goal, I was diligent about creating a meal plan for myself every week. I still create meal plans for myself — not because I'm working toward a weight loss goal, but because it creates brain space. It creates this feeling of being prepared, and when you feel prepared for the week, I've noticed that my inner dialogue changes in such a positive way. I'm kinder to myself. My self-talk is much more polite. I'm nicer to myself. I could do an entire episode on my philosophy and approach to meal planning, because it comes down to so much more than doing it just to check a box to reach a weight loss goal. It can actually be a spiritual part of a weight loss journey.

Getting back to alcohol: I folded my drinks into my meal plan. So if my goal was to have three drinks or less per week, I would look at my schedule and get strategic. If I knew I had a date and I wanted to have a drink on the date, I'd build that into my plan. If I had a girls' night out and I wanted to have a couple of drinks with them, I'd build that into the plan. Again, I didn't feel restricted or deprived, because I was still allowing myself to consume it. And when I'd get to the event, if it no longer felt like an authentic joy food, then I would just pass.

I want to share a few final thoughts before I wrap up.

Final thought oneWe're never trying to be perfect

Just a reminder that we're never trying to be perfect — with food, or with alcohol, or with movement, or with anything, for that matter. Because it isn't sustainable. It just adds to the pressure that we often put on ourselves when we're working toward any goal.

I coach on the three P's that are so very often at the root of what's blocking you and the transformation that's waiting for you. The three P's are perfection, pressure, and panic. They go hand in hand. This trio creates a vicious cycle that can keep you trapped yo-yo dieting, or starting and stopping, or losing the same 10 pounds over and over again — because we're holding ourselves to these standards that aren't sustainable for the long haul.

What I'm wanting to help you do here is create confidence through a plan that gives you structure and clarity. I believe that loose structure — like the bumpers I described with alcohol — is what creates freedom. Those bumpers are one tool that you can use to help rebuild trust with yourself. And I mentioned that the fastest way to rebuild trust with yourself is to start keeping small promises to yourself, whether it's to hit your water target for the day, or to have the number of drinks that you allotted for yourself on your meal plan at an event. You will feel so proud of yourself when you come home having done the thing that you wanted to.

With that, I encourage you to scale back slowly. Don't be extreme — you've done that before. I encourage you to give yourself permission now to lower the bar, and to start smaller than you think you should.

Final thought twoBe honest with yourself

Don't lie to yourself when you're doing your meal plan. You are only doing yourself a disservice when you do that. When you're pre-logging your alcohol, if there's an event on your calendar and you put that you're going to have one drink, but you know that you really want to have two — don't do that. Don't make it harder on yourself, because in that instance you're going to come home not feeling proud of yourself. You're going to feel bad that you didn't keep the promise to yourself. I'd rather see you build the honest number into your plan.

We're wanting to find this sweet spot where it feels like a stretch goal. It's stretching you into something new, because you're doing something you haven't done before, and when you do it, you're going to feel so freaking proud of yourself. And it's just the right amount of change — where it's not so much change that it's overwhelming and you feel stressed and like you can't accomplish it.

There's obviously a lot more that we could cover in terms of alcohol and strategy with weight loss. We could get into the types of drinks that you can order to help keep your glucose or your blood sugar steady. We could get into strategies that you can implement when you're in a social setting. Mindset is a huge part of this. Practicing saying "no thank you" is a big part of it.

Know that I'm here to support you, whether that's with changing your relationship with alcohol or learning how to reach your weight loss goal in a body-loving way. I hope that sharing more of my story has inspired you to listen to the messages that your body is sending you. Your body is always guiding you back to health, and learning how to work with it, how to get on the same team as it, is one of my favorite parts of a health and wellness journey.

If you enjoyed this episode, please do me a favor and rate it. Your reviews will help me help more people. And if you'd like my support in your health journey, you can head to my website at ediefeffer.com, where you can check out the different ways that we can work together. You can also come hang out with me on Instagram — I'm @ediefeffer. Thanks for listening.